


Gardenias

by thrrqsher



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), 5SOS
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Gay, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, LMAO, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Other, kind of, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:50:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17205434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrrqsher/pseuds/thrrqsher
Summary: "Gardenias symbolise purity, sweetness, and joy. They tell the receiver "you are lovely." Gardenias are generally gifted to those experiencing a secret love."--just a fluffy muke fic to heal my wounded soul :')





	1. prologue

Michael just couldn’t help it.

He had known Luke Hemmings since they were in year 6, and he had absolutely hated him. He was friends with everyone in his grade, one of the most popular kids in school, and Michael could never understand why; frankly, he thought Luke was a stuck up jerk. All he ever wanted was for people to like him, and Luke merely fed him dust. 

Michael remembered the moment that they began to become friends; their shared music teacher, Mr. Day, had been pushing them to take performance opportunities to “heighten their confidence,” but it was never acted upon because of the tension between the boys. Eventually, after spending so much time together, they realised that they had many shared passions- one being for Green Day, the band that created an unlikely bond between the two of them. Michael slowly began to realise that Luke wasn’t so bad after all, and he didn’t know why, but suddenly he found himself frequently staring at him during classes...

It felt like his eyes were glued to Luke; this boy that he used to hate (until considerably recently) now held his full and undivided attention. He thought that maybe it was the way that Luke’s icy blue eyes crinkled when he laughed, or how his lips moved when he sang or talked, or the face he made when he was concentrating on his work, or… 

“Michael?” 

He snapped out of it. What the hell was he thinking?

“Uh- yeah?”

His teacher, and most of his class, were looking at him. “Care to join us? You’ll have plenty of time to stare at Mr. Hemmings later, but you’re in maths class at the moment. Just in case you weren’t aware.”   

The entire class erupted into laughter (except for Luke), and Michael went a deep cherry red. “I-I wasn’t staring-!”

Great. Now the whole year 10 class would think he was gay. 

Michael tried desperately to pay attention to whatever kind of algebra they were doing, yet he couldn’t help but wonder how it’d feel to kiss Luke, or run his hands through his hair, or cuddle him… 

Damn. Maybe Michael was gay.

♥

After school, the boys had agreed on going to Michael’s house to record a cover for their fairly new YouTube channel. Michael painfully wanted to cancel, but he and Luke had been planning this for over a week and they  _ really  _ needed some new content. Michael resigned to just growing a pair and going for the apology route instead. 

“Luke, about earlier…”

“No worries, mate.  I know you weren’t actually staring at me. I doze off all the time in that class,” Luke shrugged, turning to Michael abruptly with an odd look on his face. “But just a question- uh,  _ are _ you gay, or…? Because I’ve heard different things and er- it’s totally fine if you are, I was just wondering-”

“No, I’m… I’m not. I was actually looking at Ashley next to you. So we’re still doing the ADTR cover, yeah?”

Michael could barely think of anything besides Luke and the event from earlier. He kind of wished he could shrivel up into a ball and die, but he pushed his thoughts to the side for now. There was a better time and place for this shit. The camera was rolling. 

“Hey, this is Michael, this…” He sighed, realising that he had just pointed to Luke instead of himself.  _ ‘Get it together, man.’  _ “ _I’m_ Michael, this is Luke, we’re from 5 Seconds of Summer, and… yeah.” 

All he needed to do now was focus on the guitar chords and harmonies, but how could he with Luke smiling at him like that? Or the way he looked at him when he forgot the words? Michael had never been so shy about singing in front of someone as he was in that moment. 

There was something in the way he said “darling” that made Michael’s heart flutter like crazy. He didn’t understand why it was so easy to get lost in Luke’s voice, his eyes, his smile, his laugh, his lips… or why stupid shit like how their voices blended so well together or how Luke said Michael’s name made him so giddy and flustered. He couldn’t have a crush on Luke… why would he? He’d hated him for a solid year of his life, and now they were just friends that made music together occasionally. Plus, Luke was straight.  _Right?_

_ (“Hey, sweetie, I need you here tonight…”)  _

And yet for some reason, Michael couldn’t help but think of Luke every time he sang to these goddamn love songs. 


	2. chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i listened to in the clouds by astron while writing the hotel scene :)

_Five years later…_

_Who would’ve thought that a couple of fifteen year olds from Sydney would be so well received on such a huge platform? Who would’ve thought that these same fifteen year olds would find two other kids with just as much passion for music as them? Who would’ve thought that they’d form a band, call it 5 Seconds of Summer, get noticed by one of the most popular bands in the world and, dizzyingly quickly,_ become _one of the most popular bands in the world?_

_And yet, who would’ve thought that one of those kids would still feel like he had something missing?_

x

Michael lay in his bed after another debilitating performance, unmoving, staring at the rough ceiling of his hotel room. The rest of the boys had gone to the bar to celebrate, but he had narrowly avoided it, pasting on the excuse that he was feeling ill. He couldn’t understand why he felt so empty; he had expected to be tired after a show like this, but he always thought it would be more languor than burnout.

If Michael had the capacity to tell himself the truth, it would be because his feelings for Luke had never gone away, since that one fateful day in 2011; he’d never told anyone about it, not even his Mum. He never saw any reason to, either. He had forced himself early on to believe that Luke would never feel the same way about him, and that was the end of it.

But that didn’t mean that he had come to terms with it yet.

He spent countless nights alone in his bed, crying, wondering what he did to deserve this, why it had to be him, why he had to develop these feelings, why he couldn’t have just fallen in love with a girl like all the other guys in his school…

_‘Why do I have to be like this?’_

It was almost as if Michael had been dreaming- as soon as his phone buzzed with a notification on the table next to him, he realised that he had not been seeing a hotel room around him but a reflection of the past 5 years of his life with Luke. He saw all of the times he could have confessed, all of the blatant signs he gave Luke without even realising, and for the first time in his life, he felt old. Old and tired.

He picked up his phone. It was midnight. There was a text from Calum on his screen.

_‘I know you’re not sick.’_

Michael sighed defeatedly.

_‘I’m not.’_

_‘I’m coming to your room to talk. You haven’t been yourself lately. It’s affecting the whole band, mate.’_

There wasn’t much that could stop Calum at this point, and if there was, Michael definitely did not have the energy for it right now. He didn’t bother to respond. Barely five minutes later, there was a knock at his door.

“It’s unlocked.”

“That’s not very safe,” Calum remarked, closing and locking the door behind him before sitting next to Michael on the bed. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing. I’ve just been feeling shitty recently.”

The lie was glaringly obvious; even Michael could admit that. He just hoped that Calum didn’t care enough to pry.

He did.

“There’s a reason. There always is. You can tell me anything, Mike, you’ve been my best mate for like… 6 years now.” There was genuine concern in his eyes, and despite how cold he felt, Michael’s heart warmed a little. At least he knew that someone cared about him. He sighed again.

“I think it’s been 5. But whatever. You just have to _swear_ not to tell anyone else. Like, on your Mum’s life.”

“What are we, 12?” Calum laughed, but his smile dropped when he realised how serious his best friend was was. “I… yeah, I promise. You can trust me.”

So Michael sat up and started from the beginning. From Year 6, from music class, from the countless nights recording covers with just Luke, from the heart wrenching pain of having to spend his every waking hour with this boy that would never love him back.

It was one in the morning by the time he finished.

“Mike…”

“Save it, Cal. I already know,” Michael laughed, wiping away a tear ashamedly. “I’m a fucking freak. I’ve heard it all before. I can’t help it. I’ve liked him since year 10 and I’ve never had any clue why.”

“That’s not what I was going to say at all.” Calum looked Michael straight in the face. Michael was despondent. “Mate, you’re in love with him. I don’t know if you’ve realised it or not, but… you sound a little heartbroken.”

And all at once, it felt like Michael’s head was reeling and his stomach was sinking and his heart was shattering into a million tiny pieces and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He started to sob, choking on the tears of almost a decade, folding into Calum pathetically. He felt so inadequate, so stupid, but he couldn’t stop himself. He could barely breathe. And all Calum did was hug him.

x

The next day, Michael stayed as close to Calum as he possibly could. Now that he knew, Calum felt like a sort of security blanket; someone who could protect Michael from any incoming blows that, before last night, would have just seemed like normal conversation. He especially payed attention to Michael anytime he interacted with Luke, not only to make sure he was okay, but also because Calum was almost positive that the feelings were mutual. After the talk between the two last night, Calum had spent some time reflecting on the past five years and realised that there had always been a certain way that Luke looked at Michael- a look that could only be described as heart eyes. There was a strange yet undeniable electricity between the two boys, and how it took Calum this long to see it baffled him.

What baffled him even more, though, was how Luke and Michael hadn't noticed it yet. And in that moment, Calum decided to make it his life's mission to get those two together _(not just for Michael's sake either)_.

“Hey, Mike,” he said, poking the boy in the cheek. “Go grab your guitar, let's jam. Your acoustic.”

“Why?”

“Just because,” Calum shrugged, smiling. “Now go do it!”

Once they had both gotten their instruments, they sat down next to each other on the floor.

“Do you remember If It Means A Lot To You?” Calum grinned, looking over at Michael.

“I think so…” he laughed nervously, blushing light pink and burying his hands in his sleeves. “That's a random choice.”

“It was stuck in my head. I'll sing the girl part.”

Luke was sitting on the couch in front of them on his phone, but Cal noticed him briefly look up upon hearing the name of the song; he also noticed that when Michael began playing and singing, Luke watched him with a shy smile... and a look that could only be described as heart eyes.

During the guitar solo, Michael giggled coyly. “I can only remember my harmonies from…” But his smile faded just enough for Calum to notice. “From our cover ages ago.”

Calum wanted to mention that it was only Michael and Luke's cover, but it was his turn to sing. Plus, he was sure that Michael remembered that.

“Hey, sweetie, I need you here tonight…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh comin full circle. this is still lowkey bad i'm sorry


	3. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk about anyone else (everyone reads at different speeds) but when i reread this while listening to the song, the chapter kinda lined up with it !!

_"I'll take what you got, got, got... I know it's not a lot, lot, lot..."_

Michael just wasn’t sure how to contain his emotions anymore.

_“‘Cause I just need another hit… You’re the thing that I can’t quit…”_

He didn’t know how much longer he could live like this.

_“You got what I want, want, want…”_

Calum had been able to cheer him up for the past couple of days, but he knew that it couldn’t go on forever.

_“Here and then you’re gone, gone, gone…”_

How long would Michael have until Luke found out? Would he be completely disgusted and never want anything to do with Michael again?

A tiny part of him wanted to believe that maybe Luke would confess back…

But as always, Michael pushed that thought aside. _‘Fucking dumbass,’_ he told himself, lowering his head and biting his lip. _‘...Here we go again.’_

 

 

> _I want to breathe you in like a vapour,_
> 
> _I want to be the one you remember,_
> 
> _I want to feel your love like the weather,_
> 
> _All over me, all over me..._
> 
> _I want to print our hands in the pavement,_
> 
> _Savouring your words, I won’t ever waste them,_
> 
> _Look in your eyes and know just what you meant,_
> 
> _So lie to me, just lie to me…_

Perhaps unwittingly, several tears rolled down Michael’s cheeks as he sang, pouring his soul through the lyrics he’d written; with each line his voice became louder and stronger, practically screaming with emotion, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears burned them, awakening. Praying for midnight. It became almost too much to bear- the screaming crowd, the lights, his and Luke’s voices mingling through the speakers around them, his raw, fragile heart- Michael had to walk away or he thought he may have fainted. At this rate, he had no idea how he was going to get through Jet Black Heart, or any of the songs for that matter. Just subconsciously being aware that all of the lyrics he’d written in the past five years had been about Luke made it painful to sing them.

As Michael ran offstage, he heard Luke hesitantly begin the chorus again without him, in which Calum jumped in without question.

Michael had such a different kind of love for Calum; the love he had for Luke had always been tainted with pain and sadness, but his love for Calum was pure. Calum was his best friend and there was no disputing that. He knew that he would do anything for Michael, and Michael would do anything for him.

Michael hid behind the speakers, turned off his mic, and buried his face in his hands.

Why now, of all times, did he have to be having a breakdown? The last thing he ever wanted to do was disappoint his fans, but the last place he wanted to be right now was in front of millions of people. He didn’t want anyone to worry about him, but either way someone would. He knew that him running off had just been recorded by thousands of fans and would be all over the internet by the time the concert was over, but frankly, he didn’t care very much. All he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and never see the light of day again.

After the concert, the boys went to the bar, something that was becoming a post-show ritual of sorts, to celebrate their ‘success’. Michael was dreading seeing his bandmates, but he knew that he’d never hear the end of it if he skipped again. Plus, he had resolved himself to drinking his problems away for the night.

“Mate, everything alright?” Luke asked, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Michael shied away, taking a shot. “What happened earlier…?”

“It’s all good. Just felt a little sick. I needed some water.”

“Water? You disappeared for the rest of the concert.”

“I felt really ill. I’m fine now.”

“Are you sure that’s all it is? You just haven’t seemed like yourself re-”

“I said I’m fine, Luke.”

And he took another shot.

 _‘Just for tonight,’_ Michael told himself. _‘I’m not letting this become a thing.’_

As the night went on, he drank more; he decided not to take anymore shots, but he did have numerous beers and mixed drinks, to the point where all he had to do was give a nod to the bartender and he’d slide one towards him. By one A.M., he was completely drunk.

“Luke,” Michael giggled, plopping down on a chair next to him. “You’re so pretty.”

“Am I?” he laughed, looking down at his friend. “How much have you had to drink?”  
“Just some beer… Have I ever told you that choker looks really good on you?”

“Thank you. Maybe you should get some water though.”

“Your eyes are really pretty...”

“I mean… so are yours, I guess. Hey Calum?” Luke called, laughing nervously. “Michael’s shitfaced and acting strange.”

Calum switched gears from flirty to protective almost immediately. He stood up and walked quickly over to Michael, and upon seeing that he wasn’t passed out on the floor, gave a sigh of relief. “You scared me Luke, I thought he was like… blacked out or something.”

“Aww, Calum, you care about me,” Michael slurred, giggling and taking another sip of his beer.

“Of course I do, mate,” he chuckled, switching out the beer for a water. “I know what’s up, but just chill out, alright? I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Michael pouted, and Luke pulled Calum to the side.

“You know what happened?” he whispered anxiously. He was fiddling with the bracelet on his left wrist, eyebrows furrowed, looking perturbed.

“Yeah, but I was sworn to secrecy,” Calum murmured, but then laughed at Luke’s expression. “You look like he was about to die or something. Chill out, mate.”

“I honestly thought he might’ve, earlier. I didn’t know _what_ was wrong with him.”

Calum smiled knowingly, leaving Luke confused in the corner.

“Hey Luke?” Michael called, still sitting at the bar with his head resting on his hand.

“Yeah?”

“I love you. A lot.”

Luke blushed, hoping it was too dark in the room for anyone to notice. “I love you too, Michael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu  
> this is kinda short i guess so uhhhh sorry ,,, , ,


	4. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (“Hey Luke?” Michael called, still sitting at the bar with his head resting on his hand.  
> “Yeah?”  
> “I love you. A lot.”  
> Luke blushed, hoping it was too dark in the room for anyone to notice. “I love you too, Michael.”)
> 
> “Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time.”  
> ― Ransom Riggs, Hollow City

Luke couldn’t sleep all night.

He kept himself up, just thinking, tossing and turning, freaking himself out over what seemed to be nothing. This nothing, though, to him, was exponentially something- more of a something than he had ever experienced in his life.

Why did it make him feel so warm when Michael told him that his eyes were pretty? What was that feeling in his heart and his stomach when he told him that he loved him? Was it just the alcohol? Was it the buzz from the show beforehand? He hadn’t felt anything like that since he was with his girlfriend in high school. Did that mean…?

But surely it couldn’t. Luke wasn’t gay. He had liked girls his entire life, he had never once felt anything for a boy. Except a couple of times when Michael did that thing with his hands in his sweater, or when Michael giggled at a joke that Luke told, or when Michael hugged him…

Luke picked up his phone, shakily opening his messages.

_‘Jack’ ‘I need help with something’ ‘Desperately’_

_‘Luke, what’s wrong?? It’s two in the morning mate’_

He felt bad for waking his brother up, but this was important.

_‘It’s… about Michael’_

_‘Michael? Is he okay?’_

_‘He’s fine. Something weird happened last night…’ ‘He was drunk, and he kept complimenting me… He told me that he loved me’_

_‘He does. You’re one of his best friends. What’s weird about that?’_

What _was_ weird about that? He couldn’t come up with a concrete answer. It’s perfectly normal to tell your friends that you love them, and yet…

_‘It’s not weird that he said that. I… I don’t know’ ‘It made me feel…’ ‘Warm?’ ‘Like the way I felt when I was with Aleisha…’_

_‘Oh’_ Jack responded mysteriously. _‘Ohhhh’_

Luke felt more than panicked now. Was he missing something?

_‘What??!?’_

_‘I should’ve guessed’_

_‘Jack, what are you talking about?’_

_‘You like him don’t you?’_

His heart leaped out of his chest, face going hot.

_‘What?? No! I’m not gay…’_

But then he sighed. What was he trying to hide?

_‘Actually…’ ‘That’s what I needed help with. Jack… what if I do like him? What if I am gay?? How am I supposed to tell him that???’_

_‘Well first of all, being gay isn’t a bad thing, Luke. Second of all, didn’t you say that you feel the same about him as you did about Aleisha? Have you ever considered that you might be bi?’_

Bi?

_‘I… never thought about that, actually’_

Then he did. It had been so long, where was this all coming from, at two in the morning?

_‘But I’ve known him for 5 years, why would I be just realising it now if I liked him…?’_

Jack took a bit longer to reply this time, and Luke was more on edge than he had ever been. He wasn’t sure why he was relying on someone else to explain his own feelings, but Jack was his only hope at the moment.

_‘Shit like this takes awhile sometimes. Thinking about it now, there has always been signs that you two have feelings for each other’_

Feelings…? What did Jack mean by “each other”? Michael couldn’t like him back. He was just drunk, that’s all.

_‘What?’ ‘Like…?’_

_‘Like the way you guys look at each other’ ‘Kinda like this’_

Jack sent a picture of an anime character with large, glossy hearts as eyes, and Luke rolled his own in annoyance (although his face was still covered in a light red blush).

_‘Shut the hell up 😒’_

_‘It’s true’_

Luke laughed at the banter between him and his brother, but then sobered up once again. Until now, he didn’t notice the deep pit of terror in his stomach. He felt ill.

_‘What should I do, Jack…? I don’t even know how I actually feel about him… I don’t know how he feels about me… I’m scared’_

Jack took another few minutes to answer. Luke really wished that he would stop doing that.

_‘You don’t have to do anything right now’ ‘Take some time to think about it’ ‘Nothing is immediate’_

Out of all things he had heard tonight, Luke’s older brother telling him that he had time to figure himself out was the most comforting. _‘Nothing is immediate,’_ he repeated to himself, over and over, until he realised how crazy he must have sounded. After thanking Jack for being there for him, he laid his phone back down next to him and stared at the ceiling, thinking of Michael; his soft blond hair, his grey-green eyes, his dark eyelashes, his lips, his hands, his arms, his laugh, his voice… He thought about when he first met him, how he and his friends hated him because they thought he was lame-

Suddenly, Luke remembered something.

 _The first day of Year 6, Michael Clifford walked into his first period classroom and Luke was spellbound. He couldn’t keep his eyes off this boy he’d never seen before- and though he’d never seen him before, he was the cutest person he ever_ had _seen. He watched him laugh with his friends in the corner and was dazzled by his smile, saw him concentrating on the notes his teacher gave them and fell in love with the way his eyebrows crinkled his forehead, noticed how his nose scrunched up when he didn’t understand a part of the lesson, and in that one class period he learned more about this kid than he’d known about any person before. The only thing that broke his focus was his friend poking him in the shoulder._

_“What are you looking at?” he asked, and though his voice was hushed, Luke could hear the usual undertone of judgement in it._

_“Er- nothing- just daydreaming.”_

_“That kid in the back looks like a nerd. Probably some kind of weeaboo. Look at his hair.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, right. Probably.”_

That was the moment in which Luke Hemmings decided that he needed to make himself hate Michael, no matter how much he didn’t want to, for the sake of preserving his reputation. No 14 year old wants to seem out of the ordinary, so they do whatever they need to in order to survive; in this case, it was shutting out an important part of himself and sealing it away so well that even now, five years later, it seemed like a revelation to him. He laughed bitterly at the tears forming in his eyes; how could one comment make such a lasting impression on a child? How could one decision in Year 6 of high school pave the way for years of emotional blockage and, eventually, an existential crisis at 3 in the morning, alone in the bunk of a tour bus? He found himself wishing Michael was with him. He needed someone to hug him, tell him that everything was going to be alright, someone just to be with him when his mind got darker than he believed it could get. 14 year old Luke never would have thought that trying to fit in would cause so much stress for him in the future… But now, he wasn’t sure if he would’ve changed his ways even if he was aware.

Even after re-discovering who he truly was, the 14-year-old-high schooler mindset was still greatly a part of him. It still told him that he was disgusting, that everyone would make fun of him, that he needed to just hide it so people would like him. However much he tried to reason with himself, however hard he tried to fight it, that voice inside his head kept growing louder until it was screaming, outweighing any and all equitable thoughts he had left in him until he was just too tired to even think about it anymore.

So he didn’t.

Just as he did five years ago, Luke pushed all feelings for Michael Clifford to the deepest fragment of his mind he could reach, and called it a night. Soon enough, he fell into an uneasy, restless, tense sleep.

When Luke woke up, he felt a pounding in his head like someone was throwing rocks at the inside of his brain. He suddenly remembered the nightmare he had- the kids in his Year 6 class had found out about his crush on Michael, and they had all converged and beat him nearly to death. He realised that he was doused in sweat, and that his heart was thudding not with agonizing fear but with the physical pain of harrowing sadness.

_‘Now it’s over. Now I’m awake.’_

   
“You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.”  
― Megan Chance, The Spiritualist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are my chapters too short? ack


	5. chapter four

“I think I’m going to come out to my mum today.”

Calum looked up from his phone at Michael, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Okay.”

“I’m going to tell her that I’m bi.”

“Okay.”

Michael took out his phone, opened up his contacts, and his heart dropped.

“What if she hates me, Cal?” 

Neither of them spoke for a moment. Calum stared at Michael, concern written all over his face, and Michael stared at his phone, lip in between his teeth. It seemed almost as if Calum was scared for Michael, like he wasn’t sure of the outcome either. Like he felt helpless. 

“She’s not going to hate you, Mike,” Calum said finally. He had a reassuring tone, but there was something underneath that Michael couldn’t quite make out. “Karen doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. You’re her son. She’ll love you no matter what.”

“I… yeah. I guess you’re right.”

It was now or never, anyway. He knew that he was in a rare mood at the moment, and that if he didn’t tell his mum now, he never would. His mum had always been the first to know everything when he was a teenager, so why was now any different? She had always been there for him through everything… even something as big as dropping out of school for an unsecured music career. He was sure being bisexual wouldn’t even phase her… right? 

“Here goes nothing.” Dialling her number and hitting the call button, he waited.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mum!” Michael greeted nervously, accidentally letting out a gust of nervous breath. “How are you?”

“Michael! I’m good! Dad and I are just finishing dinner.”

“Oh, is now a bad time, then?” His smile faltered. He was so happy to hear her voice and so eager to just get this out already, but didn’t want to be bothering her with something this big. 

“Not at all love! I’ve missed hearing your voice. What’s going on?”

“I actually had something I wanted to tell you…” Here it goes. There was no turning back now. “I think I might be… I think I might be bi.”

“Oh, finally!” Karen exclaimed. “Daryl, you owe me $5!”

Michael was shocked into silence. “Wait, what?”

“It’s Luke, right? You like Luke?”

“You… knew?” Michael gasped, blushing again for at least the third time this week. 

“Of course I knew. Mums know everything. I’ve seen the way you look at him,” she laughed airly, as if they were discussing the daily news over red wine. “It’s been five years, Michael, I’m surprised it took  _ you  _ this long.” 

“Did you and Dad… bet on when I was going to tell you?”

Calum looked about as confused as Michael felt. He knew that she was only joking, but he couldn’t help feeling a twinge of offense. 

“We did. And he lost!”

“You guys… are something else,” he groaned, fiddling with the hem of his shirt and frowning. “Mum… I’m scared. I’ve been so, so depressed ever since I realised I liked him… and I just can’t keep living like this, you know? But I’m so scared to tell him…” 

“Oh, honey… You know I’ll always be here for you through anything. But I’ve got a sense that it will go very well for you once you tell him how you feel.”

“Mum sense again?”

“Mum sense,” she repeated. He could practically hear her smile over the phone. “He looks at you the same way you look at him.”

Michael’s cheeks kept getting hotter and hotter as the call went on. “He- he does?”

“Yep. Always has. Unless he’s just very affectionate towards his bandmates, my guess is that he likes you too.”

Michael didn’t answer. He didn’t have anything to say to that. If even his Mum noticed the way that Luke looked at him, from all the way across the world at times, how did he not? Had anyone else noticed? Calum? Ashton? His fans? He knew that if he did speak right now, his voice would come out sounding more like a mouse than a man. 

“You alright love?”

“Y-yeah. I’ve got to go, Mum. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie. Let me know how everything goes. And give me a call once and a while, yeah?”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He practically threw his phone down on the couch next to him, biting his lip to keep himself from smiling too much and looking mental. She had to just be trying to make him feel better like mums always do, but what if she wasn’t? What if Luke really did like him back? All these years spent agonizing over this one boy wouldn’t be for nothing… he’d finally know what it would feel like to love and be loved back. 

His phone buzzed again- it was a text from his Mum. When he opened it, he found two pictures of him and Luke. 

_ ‘See?’  _ she said.  _ ‘I wasn't kidding.’ _

_ ‘Mum!!!’  _ He threw the phone down again, shaking his head and beaming. 

“Guess that call went well?” Calum grinned knowingly, sitting next to Michael on the couch. “Your face looks like your hair from a couple months ago.”

“My mum said that she thinks Luke likes me back,” Michael giggled, looking at Calum with stars in his eyes.

“You sound like a teenage girl,” he chuckled, laying a hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “Honestly, I think she’s right.”

“You do?” 

“Yeah. I’ve thought that since you told me.”

Michael covered his face with the sleeves of his sweater, heart pounding in his chest like a bass drum. His stomach fluttered so much that he couldn’t help but curl up into a ball on the couch, feeling like a little kid again. He was overwhelmed suddenly with the urge to go into the other room and confront Luke right now, tell him how much he loved him, and kiss him right on the spot. 

But his heart darkened.

“Calum, I can’t tell him how I feel.”

“Well that was a drastic mood swing.”

“What if you and my mum are wrong? What if he doesn’t actually like me and I tell him and he’s disgusted and hates me forever? I can’t lose him, Cal, I can’t-”

“Michael, calm down.” Calum pulled Michael over and hugged him tightly. “Luke would never hate you, just like I said about your Mum. He’s been your best friend since Year 10. He wouldn’t abandon you because you loved him in a different way than he loved you. Even though I still think the feelings are mutual, but that’s another story…”

Michael laughed, hugging him back. He was so thankful that he had someone like Calum, and had no clue how he’d ever repay him for being so… there. There’d been  _ way _ too much sentimentality going on in the past week for Michael, and though he and Calum felt that same warmth of years towards each other, Cal knew how to keep it light hearted enough so that Michael wouldn’t explode. “Thank you… I love you, mate. You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend too.”

“Hey… what’s Luke’s favourite flower?”

* * *

i was originally going to make michael and karen's conversation a text message convo, but i felt like that was way too informal for michael to be coming out. also, luke already took that idea. lmao. so here's that. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehhehhhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwu  
> also i know this chapter is short i'm SORRY i'm just trying to build up rn and i'm b a d a t t h a t


	6. chapter five

Michael just couldn’t help it.

He was pacing around his hotel room, hands shaking, palms sweaty. He refused to talk himself out of this- he had been waiting for this moment for five years. And yet he still wasn’t sure if he was ready.

“Do you think it’s pretty enough? Do you think he’ll like it? Maybe I should wait a little while longer, I don’t want to come on too strong… And I got the right flower, right? They literally only had one left which is funny because I’ve never heard of them, so I wasn’t expecting them to be so popular-”

“Michael, everything is going to go fine,” Calum assured him. Ashton nodded.

“Are you sure? What if it doesn’t…?”

“I knew that you liked Luke before Calum did, and you didn’t even have to tell me,” Ashton laughed, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. “Trust me, I know things. He’ll love it.”

Calum had persuaded Michael to let his other bandmate in on the secret since he was going to be officially ‘going for it’, as he described it. Michael was reluctant at first, but then realised that Ashton had been one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that he had ever known since the beginning, and he and Calum agreed to have a talk with him just hours beforehand. Now they were his entourage in the pursuit.

“You think you’re ready, mate?” Calum asked encouragingly. _'No,’_ was his real answer, but he closed his eyes for a moment and pushed that aside.

“Now or never, as I always say.”

And with that, Michael took a breath and walked outside.

Luke had told the boys that we was going to hang out in the pool area, and luckily enough, that was where Michael found him. There didn’t seem to be any other people there at the moment, which was perfect; he didn’t need this getting out to the public, at least not yet. As he walked, he tried to calm his nerves and talk himself through what he was going to say. He was going to start by telling Luke how he felt, and no matter his reaction, Michael would continue explaining his feelings over the course of the years. That was his gameplan. _Stay calm._

“Hey man, coming to chill with me?” Luke called, smiling at his friend. He was sitting on a comfy looking red couch in a black and white striped shirt and black jeans, a water bottle in hand. Michael thought he looked absolutely gorgeous, which made it even harder to talk to him.

“Yeah,” he answered, sitting down next to him. “Actually… I came to talk to you about something.”

Luke turned his body towards Michael, a quizzical look on his face. “What’s up?”

“I… Look, I know I was drunk the other day, but… I meant what I said.”

“Which thing?” The blond haired boy laughed. “You said a lot.”

Michael ran a hand through his hair, blowing a puff of air towards the ground. “When I said that your eyes are pretty. When I said that the choker looked good on you,” he listed, blushing and taking a deep breath. This was it. “...When I said that I love you.”

Luke sat silent for a moment. “Oh.”

“Oh…?”

“Yeah.”

Shit.

What was he supposed to say now?

He pulled himself together. He was going to tell Luke how he felt, no matter what happened. He had to.

“Luke, I’ve loved you since we were 15… I don’t care if you hate me or if you think it’s gross or whatever, I just had to tell you. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m so insanely sad every single day because I’ve been holding this in for the past five years. I’ve loved you ever since our A Day To Remember cover.

“That’s why I’ve been so reckless lately. It’s just getting way too much and I didn’t know how to deal with it… I still don’t know. But I decided that I needed to tell you, no matter what happened, and I’m sorry if I ruined our friendship or anything, but… I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

He could feel tears pooling in his eyes once again, and he stood up to leave. At least he told him. At least he got it out of his system. _‘At least,’_ he kept telling himself. _‘At least, at least, at least…’_

“Michael, wait.”

He stopped.

“I’ve been… having problems of my own lately,” he heard Luke say from behind him, sighing shakily. “I wanted to tell you, but I was just so terrified of my own feelings that I couldn’t even admit it to myself.”

“What do you mean…?” Michael said, sniffling and turning around slowly.

“Michael, I… I think I love you too.”

Silence.

Silence seemed like the loudest thing in the entire world right now. It filled the air around them, deafening, mind numbing, so loud that it seemed to be vibrating; the soundwaves of silence. Everything around them became still. Michael became still. Still with shock- unable to move. Silent and still. Slow motion, the ripples in the pool caused by the wind, or maybe the silent soundwaves traveling across the water… the leaves of the trees around them blowing in the breeze, being brushed by the waves. The sentence on a loop in Michael’s head was the loudest thing around them right now, and yet he was still being crushed by the silence.

“Michael…?”

“Luke, you… you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear that,” Michael laughed, almost heartbreakingly, a single tear rolling down his red cheek. “And now I don’t have to throw this out. That would’ve been a shame.”

He walked back over to Luke, sitting down next to him once more and showing him the single gardenia that he had bought.

Luke remained silent.

“Calum told me that they were your favourite...”

He tucked the flower behind Luke's ear, shyly, softly. Luke touched Michael's face, gentler than he had ever been touched before, running his thumb along Michael’s bottom lip and making him gasp. Luke was looking at him like he was the only thing that mattered. When Michael didn’t move back or protest, he smashed their lips together hard enough to make both of them dizzy. Michael suddenly felt all of his yielding sink and he let himself melt into Luke, into his arms, into his lips. For the first time in his life, he knew that the person kissing him wasn’t doing anything else- he wasn’t thinking about what was next, or the texts he was missing, or what he would eat for lunch later- just kissing him. He felt like the center in the universe in that moment. Luke brushed his thumb along Michael’s jaw, making him shiver and sigh into his lips, kissing him with a fervent, urgent need that he didn’t know he had in him. The moment felt eternal.

When they pulled away, breathing heavily, gasping desperately, Michael stared at Luke with his mouth agape. His head was spinning and his heart was beating a million times a minute, and he wanted more.

“I… have never been kissed like that before,” he concluded simply, breathlessly, unable to say anything more.

“I love you.”

“Didn’t it say somewhere that it’s unhealthy to say the L word just after your first kiss?”  
    “Hey, you said it before any of this even happened!” Luke laughed, placing his hand on top of Michael's. It felt like a movie; there was no way that this could be real. Michael sat there for a moment and just stared at Luke.

“Wow,” he breathed, almost inaudible. “You… are so gorgeous.”  

“Are we, like... dating now?” Luke asked abruptly, blushing, nerves in his voice. “Like, is this official now?”

Michael felt the high come crashing down again. He had known that this was too good to be true. Luke was probably just curious- of course he wouldn't want anything serious with him.

“I mean, we don't have to be if you don't want to, I'm not gonna force you into-”

“No, no, I want to,” he cut in, almost too quickly. Michael's heart swelled. “I just… feel like it would be a good idea to keep it away from the media for now? We can tell all of our friends whenever you want to, but-”

“Luke, you don't have to be so tense. I was just thinking the same thing.”

Both boys let out a sigh of relief that they hoped the other wouldn't hear. Luke smiled and pushed his hair back; Michael had never seen anything more beautiful than him in his whole life.

“It's just… I've never been with a… a guy before… which makes me really nervous,” he sighed, a genuine look of fear in his eyes. But then his expression changed. “But I've also never felt happier than I do right now…”

Michael wasn't sure what to do in this moment other than kiss him again, but this time it wasn't as frenzied and desperate as the first one. This time was slow, gentle, the kind of kiss that said “everything is going to be okay” without uttering a word. Michael couldn't help but touch Luke's face, his neck, his hair- it seemed like he couldn't get close enough to him no matter what he did.

“You're… really good at that,” Michael tittered, looking at Luke with so much love that he could practically feel the heart eyes. _'I guess this is what Mum was talking about.’_

“So are you.” Luke interlaced his hand with Michael's, watching the light breeze blow through the trees in front of them. There was a gentle, peaceful silence surrounding them now, the kind that _didn't_ cause ripples in water or vibrations in air. Michael laid his head on Luke's shoulder, smiling contently.

This is all he had ever wanted.

* * *

 

So I was originally going to make this texts instead of face-to-face, but that's way too informal for this explosive of a moment !! I'm going to upload the pictures later bc there's some rly cute stuff in there that I wasn't able to include in the chapter !! So here's that !!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, did anyone catch the reference to the prologue ?? ;))


	7. announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please don't be mad at me

hello friends

(aka my one active reader lol, hello and thank you)

i have an announcement for y'all-

i'm not going to be writing this story anymore. i've been in a really bad place recently and i've also had absolutely no time to do much of anything between homework and the musical... 

not to mention the fact that michael and crystal got engaged. i'm actually ecstatic, she seems to make him really happy and that makes me really happy. but writing a fictional story about a man being in love with his bandmate whilst he is, in reality, engaged to a woman he loves, makes me feel super icky. so i'm ghosting. 

thank you for reading and enjoying this story while it lasted, and hopefully i'll be back soon with some original, non fanfiction-based content. 

love you all!


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